October is tomorrow… which means we are officially a few months away from the new year and my return to work countdown has quietly started ticking in the back of my mind.
If you have ever been on maternity leave, you know that weird psychological shift that happens around this time. At first, going back feels so far away that it does not even feel real. You are entirely consumed by feedings, daily routines, and trying to keep tiny humans alive while figuring out who you are now.
Then one day you look at the calendar and realize, holy sh*t, where has the time gone?!
Suddenly, you are staring at your laptop wondering how on earth you are going to fit meetings, Slack messages, and deadlines back into your life without dropping everything you built this year.
The grief nobody talks about
There is a very specific kind of grief that comes with the end of mat leave, and I think we do a disservice to women when we pretend it is only about missing your babies.
Of course I am going to miss them. That goes without saying.
The part people talk about less is grieving the version of yourself you found while taking a step back to raise your kids.
This year, between holding my baby, juggling things with a toddler and running around the house, I built a creative business from my desk. I launched products, connected with an incredible community, and learned what it feels like to create entirely on my own terms.
I love having total ownership over my days. I love that if I had thirty quiet minutes in the afternoon, I could spend them designing a new greeting card or writing a piece like this, without checking with a manager or looking at a shared team calendar.
Going back means giving up that autonomy. It means putting on real clothes (waist up because WFH life), opening a work laptop, and realizing that your time is no longer entirely yours.
The weird part: I am actually excited too
Here is the honest confession that feels a little taboo to say out loud.
A small part of me is also looking forward to it…? Is that weird to say?
I have spent over ten years in marketing. I genuinely love strategy, running campaigns, and solving complex problems with a team of smart people.
There is something deeply grounding about adult conversation that does not revolve around snacks or family schedules. There is a specific kind of confidence that comes from entering a meeting, knowing your stuff, and executing at a high level.
Wanting your career back does not make you a bad mom. Just like wanting to stay home in your cozy bubble does not make you unmotivated.
We are allowed to hold both.
What I am protecting in the transition
As the date gets closer, I am setting some very firm ground rules for myself.
I am not burning down my small business. My stationery shop is not going anywhere, and neither is this newsletter.
I am not going to pretend I can do everything at one hundred percent capacity all the time. Going back to work means my creative pockets will get smaller. It means my expectations for daily output have to shift from sprint mode to maintenance mode.
Consistency when you have a 9 to 5 and two kids does not mean creating five hours a day. It means protecting whatever time I can get in the morning, during lunch, and after bedtime to touch the things that light you up.
If you are standing on the edge of a big life transition right now, wondering how you are going to hold onto yourself, you are not alone. We will figure out the rhythm together.
With love,
Sally